A Tale of Two Bikes

So how did I end up with two bikes, even though I haven't owned one since my Huffy years in the 80s?

Long story short: I'm freaking out about writing my first cookbook.

You see, people like me don't write cookbooks. I am no Martha. I'm the furthest thing from the composed, sophisticated women who share classic recipes and show you how to dress a table for a chic dinner party.

I learned to speak English by watching Scooby Doo and Donahue. My mother, who sometimes had problems coming up with rent money, apartment-hopped so much; I went to 23 different schools before I hit high school. It took me two years to graduate from a six-week etiquette course my Abuela enrolled me in when I was a teen. (Ok. I was kicked out, but I still count it as a successful ending.) When I turned 18, instead of going to college, I moved to the mainland with $150 in my pocket and worked in restaurants to make ends meet.

I am never going to be the smartest person in the room. Or the classiest. Case in point, at my first James Beard Foundation Dinner, I chugged the liter-sized bottle of sparkling water the waiter placed on the table, not realizing it was meant for everyone to share until it was too late.

I'm what kind people call "rough around the edges." And yet, here I am.

I. Am. Writing. A. Cookbook.

The weight of it sits on my chest like a fat cat, itching to steal my soul. (I'm not the only one who had an Abuela that was convinced cats were the devil in a fur suit, am I?)

I only have half of the 100 recipes finished, and there is still so much left to do: headnotes, essays, recipe testing, photography, and the cover. But with my full-time job at Budget Bytes, food festival appearances, this newsletter, the gigs I do to raise money for charity, plus worrying about my kiddo and dog like I'm competing for a gold medal in the nervous-wreck Olympics (deep breath) I don't know if I'll have enough time to write it.

And that has me so anxious that I wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning in a full sweat almost every day. It's done wonders for my skin tone.

I kid.

When my friend told me she was worried about me and that I needed to start working out or I would have a heart attack, I realized she was probably right. I'm 47 and so out of shape, I get winded walking up the stairs.

And that, dear reader, is how I ended up at my computer at 2 in the morning on a Wednesday, with my delirium wrapped around me like a scratchy wool blanket, clicking my mouse until I received an email thanking me for my purchase of not one but two bikes. (I got one for me and one for whoever I can force to ride with me because I am not riding a bike alone. I grew up on a steady diet of Unsolved Mysteries. I know where solo bike rides lead.)

PS Not only were the bikes completely assembled in the pictures online but they were also straddled by a delighted man and woman that did not look like they woke up at 2 am to stress about their book deal. I only came to the realization that there would be some Ikea-like assembly involved when the bike company emailed me about preparing for the upcoming arrival.

I don't know what kind of Transformer-like pop and lock action I expected to take place during the bike's assembly, but I figured it couldn't be that hard. What company in their right mind thinks mere mortals can assemble a bike?

As soon as I opened the first box, I realized this would not be a "Look how easy this is" scenario. Still, because it's hard for me to ask for help, I decided to put the bikes together myself, even though the only tools I own are a screwdriver, a rubber mallet, and a bouquet of Ikea hex keys.

I see now that this same unwavering faith that I can do anything I set my mind to also got me into this cookbook conundrum. I hope the book fares better than the bikes. As you can see, the heart-attack-fighter vehicles are still in pieces, except now, instead of being packed in a tidy box, they cover most of my living room floor.

Ay, Dios mío.

Since I still need to figure out a way to handle my stress, I signed up for a month's worth of training at the gym closest to my home. I did not research the gym and was surprised when the owner shared that his spot is where Nashville's professional athletes and military personnel train. I told him I hadn't worked out since the 90s. He quickly added that many senior citizens also enjoy the facilities.

I'll report back to you in a few weeks and let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, is the Superbowl happening this week or next week? I thought it was happening last week, but apparently, there are many big games leading up to the actual big game. Beats me. But it is a perfect excuse to make Guava BBQ Chicken Wings. Find the recipe below.

If you're a paying subscriber, I will send an email shortly with a link to my upcoming live demo, where I'll show you how to make my favorite Apple Pie recipe.

Thank you for reading to the very end. XOXO -Monti

Sweet & Spicy Guava BBQ Wings

My Abuela would scream, "Ay, bendito!" whenever she caught me eating guavas from the small tree in the front yard. I sat right on the dirt in my school uniform, my cheeks and hands covered in juice, pulp caught in my long hair. I loved picking guavas straight from the tree and breaking into them with my teeth. I obsessed over their honey-like fragrance, inhaling it so much and so deeply I'd get dizzy. The tart and syrupy flesh was so intoxicating it was worth getting scolded by my grandmother, who still hoped that, one day, I would blossom like that tree and transform into a lady.

I hope she didn't watch me trying to build that bike.

This recipe is one I’m working on for my book. It delivers incredibly crispy chicken wings, and the sauce has a tangy sweetness and smoky heat. You can use the Guava Sauce for dipping or glaze the wings with it and bake them for a few minutes more until their crispy skin caramelizes.

Ingredients for Wings

2 pounds chicken wings

2 teaspoons baking powder 

2 teaspoons  kosher salt 

2 teaspoons cornstarch

1 teaspoon adobo

Ingredients for Guava BBQ sauce

1/3 cup guava paste, small dice

¼ cup fresh lime juice

2 tablespoons water

1 tablespoon tomato paste

2 teaspoons hot sauce

1 teaspoon soy sauce

1 teaspoon Worcester sauce

½ teaspoon garlic salt

½ teaspoon onion powder

1 teaspoon brown sugar

Kosher salt and fresh ground black pepper, to taste

Directions

Step 1

The morning of your Sweet and Spicy Guava BBQ Chicken wing bake-off,  line a sheet pan with parchment paper and set a wire rack inside. Thoroughly dry the chicken wings with paper towels. Place the chicken wings in a bowl. Mix the baking soda and salt and sprinkle the chicken with it. Toss the wings in the bowl until they are fully covered. Place the wings on the rack without crowding the wings. Rest in the fridge, uncovered, until game time or for a minimum of 1 hour.

Step 2

An hour before game time, put a rack in the middle of your oven and preheat to 500 degrees. Mix the cornstarch and the adobo. Coat the chicken wings with the spice mixture and arrange them on the sheet pan. Place them in the oven and lower the temperature to 450. Cook for about 50 minutes, flipping your wings at least once during the baking process. Cook until crispy and golden.

Step 3

While the wings are baking, make the sauce. Add all of the ingredients to a small saucepan, mix,  and bring to a boil. Lower the heat, and simmer uncovered, mixing occasionally, until the sauce thickens (about 10 minutes.) Season the sauce to taste with salt and pepper. Cool.

Step 4

If you like your wings extra-crispy, you can serve the sauce as a dipping sauce. Otherwise, add the wings to a large bowl, add the sauce, and toss them thoroughly to coat. Place the wings back on the rack and bake for 5 to 10 minutes more to allow the sauce to caramelize.