Happy holidays, friends! I hope you're getting to spend them with the ones you love. I'm over the moon to get to spend them with my kiddo, Mighty. Many of you know her as Danger. My child was born male but is beginning to transition to female. So she's changed her pronouns and her name. Mighty was my nickname growing up; my kiddo chose it as her gamer tag years ago. I thought it was her way of including me in her online world when really it was the birth of someone new, someone quietly waiting to be acknowledged.
It's the strangest sensation, saying goodbye to your son and welcoming a teenage daughter. It's as if everything's changed, and yet nothing has changed. This week, it was still Danger's laugh pouring out in bursts of joy as we played video games together. It was still Danger's arm wrapped around my shoulders when I lost my shit at the end of the new Pinocchio movie. It was Danger's voice whispering I love you, after one of our many late-night heart-to-hearts.
Yet, when I look at her, there are subtle changes. She's more animated when she speaks and uses her hands as exclamation points. She's self-assured and moves gracefully across a room. Her eyes transfix me. There's something there that I haven't seen since she was very little. She's at peace.
Those closest to me know that when Mighty was nine years old, she tried to throw herself out of the car as I drove her home from school. She's been in therapy since then, and we've worked together to get through an onslaught of dark days that stretched into months and then years.
It felt like we were both drowning in slow motion as we waited for something to click. But now, it's as if we've found that one piece of the puzzle that makes every other piece fall into place. Mighty has a confidence and a joy that Danger never had. And I have welcomed her the same way I welcome a new year, with a touch of sadness for another year gone and hope and bated breath for the year to come.
I don't see Mighty as much as I'd like to, as she lives in LA with her dad, and I live in Nashville, where I moved six months ago to become the Senior Editor of Budget Bytes. It was a hard decision and one that Mighty and I made together. I'd been out of full-time work for over a year, living off savings and whatever gigs I could string together. Accepting the job was an opportunity to get a steady paycheck, but more importantly, it was also the chance to make a real difference.
Working at Budget Bytes allows me to help millions of people facing hard times by showing them how to get a fantastic meal on the table for less. It's incredibly meaningful to me because, at one point in my life, I also had a tough time making ends meet. So much so that my then two-year-old child and I were facing homelessness.
It was at this breaking point that the opportunity to compete on MasterChef came along, giving us a way out of our dire circumstances. The story of how I came to get cast on that show is the basis of my first book, Spanglish. It will be out in the fall of 2024. I'll be documenting the journey of writing my first full-length cookbook in this Substack.
Though cooking for Gordon Ramsay on MasterChef changed our entire life's trajectory, Mighty has never watched the show. A part of me didn't want her to know how close we came to living on the street until she was at least old enough to process it. I didn't want her to see the person I was right after my divorce, with self-doubt and depression covering me like a well-worn sweater.
And then, last week, Mighty took part in my first virtual cooking demo for paid subscribers of this newsletter. At some point, while I made coquito, Donald K. Moore, who's followed me since my days on the show, urged Mighty to watch MasterChef. "Even if it's just the scene with your mom and the prawns.", he laughed.
Maybe it was seeing a war veteran like Donald giggle gleefully. Perhaps it was watching my face turn a deep red as I let out a nervous chuckle. Either way, her curiosity peaked. Shortly after our demo, she asked about the prawns. And so I pulled up the 10-year-old video of me trying to butcher live crustaceans in front of Gordon Ramsay. I captured Mighty's reaction in the video above. Afterward, she asked to watch the entire season, so we bought a giant bag of potato chips and started the binge.
Watching the show has been emotional for both of us. It hit me last night, as I snuck a peek at her, that she's seeing the beginning of my transformation. My mannerisms are still the same. I look younger, of course, but my face still tells the whole world what I'm thinking. Yet, I'm no longer that woman. I'm confident now. There is no hesitation about my place in the world. I know my purpose.
As we continue to watch, I hope she realizes that transformation is a part of everyone's journey; that she is not alone. Though I don't know what it feels like to be trapped in the wrong body, I do know what it feels like to rewrite who you are.
Change takes guts and determination. For many of us, it won't be physical. It might be mental or spiritual. You may have decided to get sober, leave a bad relationship, or go after your dream full stop. No matter what, if we want to grow and get closer to figuring out who we truly are, transformation is inevitable.
My New Year's Wish For You
May every day bring you the kind of laughter Mighty and I share whenever we're together. May your new year be full of meaningful change. May this year be your best one yet.
Thank you for reading this far. Thank you to all who have a paid subscription and help support our journey. Thank you to those who came to my virtual cooking demo for paid subscribers. This January, I will show you how to make the recipe that changed my life. Get my recipe for The. Best. Apple. Pie Ever. and a little of the story behind it below the paid subscription wall.
Recipe of The Week: The. Best. Apple. Pie. Ever.
As I start sharing my MasterChef journey with Mighty, there is perhaps no more important recipe than the one I first auditioned with: apple pie. When I was freshly divorced, I could not afford therapy, but I could afford a bag of apples. So I would place Mighty in her high chair, chop a bag of Granny Smiths, and pretend they were my ex-husband's face. Of course, there are only so many apple slices a two-year-old can ingest in one sitting, so I began making pies with the bountiful remnants of my rage.
When I auditioned for MasterChef, I had no food in the house to create a dish to present to producers. But what I did have, were these angry little apple pies. The producers loved them and gave me the chance to audition for Gordon. The rest is history.
My apple pie recipe has changed significantly since those early days. It no longer comes from a place of anger and has evolved into a labor of love that yields a spectacular pie. (Good lord, I see transformation in everything now.) Anyhoo- I hope you get a chance to make it soon. It takes a few hours of work, but it's worth it.
Ingredients
Pie Crust
284 grams pastry flour (2 1/4 cups), sifted (plus a little more for dusting)
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
170 grams (1 1/2 sticks) salted butter, frozen
128 grams of cream cheese (1.5 packages), frozen
1/2 tablespoon cider vinegar
6 tablespoons of chilled water
Filling
1/2 cup of sugar
3 tablespoons flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 pinch nutmeg
Juice from one lemon
8 large baking apples (I use 2 Fuji, 3 Granny Smiths, and 3 Honey Crisp)
Butterscotch Sauce
1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup heavy whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract or vanilla paste.
1/2 cup pecans, chopped
Directions
Step 1
Set a rack in the center of your oven. Place a large sheet pan on the rack. Place a pizza stone on top of the sheet pan. If you don't have a pizza stone, use a cast iron pan that lies flat when turned upside down. You will be resting the pie on the bottom of the pan, so make sure it's stable once it's turned over. Preheat the oven to 375°F.
Step 2
In a large bowl, combine the flour, salt, and baking powder. Chop the frozen cream cheese into large dice-sized chunks and add to the flour mixture. Next, grate the sticks of frozen butter using the largest holes on a box grater. Then, add the grated butter to the flour mixture.
Step 3
Use a fork to combine the butter and cream cheese with the flour mixture until both fats are thoroughly coated in flour. Do not use your hands. Next, add the vinegar to the flour mixture. Then add three tablespoons of the chilled water. Continue to use a fork (not your hands) to combine the fats with the liquids until a rough, clumpy dough forms.
Step 4
Pinch a bit of the mixture. It should hold together in a cohesive dough. If it falls apart, mix in another tablespoon of water, and test it again. Repeat this process until a dough forms. Then use your hands to quickly shape the shaggy dough into a disc about 6 inches in diameter and two inches thick. Do not overwork the dough. Just shape it as fast as you can. Wrap the disc tightly in plastic and refrigerate for at least an hour.
Step 5
Now it's time to prep the apples. Clean the large bowl, fill it halfway with cool water (about 6 cups), and add the lemon juice. Core and peel an apple, slice it into 1/2 inch thick slices, then place them immediately in the lemon water, so they don't brown. Cover the water's surface with a wet paper towel to keep the apples submerged. Repeat with remaining apples.
Step 6
When you have sliced each apple, strain them in a colander, shaking off as much water as possible. Put the slices back into the large bowl. In a small bowl, mix the sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, flour, and salt. Sprinkle the apples evenly with this mixture and toss. Then place the apple slices in the colander again, place the colander in the bowl you tossed the apples in, and macerate for an hour.
Step 7
Place a large, heavy-bottomed pan over medium heat. Add the macerated apple juices to the pan. Whisk until the apple juices thicken into a caramel. Then, add the sliced apples to the pan and saute them until they soften slightly and are covered in caramel. Take them off the heat and cool them in a sheet pan.
Step 8
Make an egg wash by whisking the cream and the egg until the mixture runs smoothly through the tines of a fork.
Step 9
Next, it's time to make the butterscotch sauce. In a small saucepan with a light-colored bottom, melt the butter on medium heat until it foams. The milk solids will separate and lightly brown. As soon as they turn a light golden brown, add the brown sugar and whisk until butterscotch sauce forms, about two minutes. If the sauce breaks and the butter pools at the top (even though you've been whisking it nonstop), add a tablespoon of water to the mixture and continue whisking into a caramel-like sauce. Mix in the whipping cream. Take the pan off the heat, add your vanilla and mix again. Add the pecans and mix again.
Step 10
Your dough should be chilled by now. Divide it in half. Flour your work area lightly and roll each half into a circle about 14 inches in diameter and 1/4 inch thick. Grease your pie pan with a bit of canola oil. Place one of the pie crusts back into the fridge. Roll the remaining pie crust onto your rolling pin and unfurl it over the pie plate. Press it gently into the pie plate. Use a fork to puncture the bottom of the pie crust, creating about ten rows of little holes.
Step 11
Cover the pie pan with plastic wrap and refrigerate the dough again for thirty minutes. Then brush egg wash on the edges of the dough. Finally, fill the pie pan with apples. Take the last pie crust out of the fridge and place it on top of the pie. Use shears to cut the crust about an inch past the edge of the pie pan. Tuck the edges of the top crust under the edges of the bottom crust. Press the edges together, then crimp them. Finally, cut steam vents into the top layer of dough and brush all of it lightly with the egg wash.
Step 12
Place the pie on the pizza stone or overturned cast iron pan. Bake the pie for about 40 to 45 minutes or until the crust turns golden brown. Let the pie cool for an hour before slicing it. Top each slice with butterscotch sauce. Garnish with whipped cream or vanilla ice cream.
Happy New Year